Know Your Boundaries – Practice Saying No Like Weight Training
September 13, 2011
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Do you find yourself saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’ or cave in when others ask for your help, even though you know that your schedule is already tight? As women, we are raised to be compliant, agreeable, and nice. We internalize these characteristics and develop a strong need to please – that is why it is so difficult to say ‘no,’ even at times when we know we should.
By setting firm boundaries, you may fear that:
- you will be letting someone else down or disappointing them – forgetting that they can be resourceful and may know solutions to their needs apart from you
- you will appear less than competent – forgetting that we aren’t Wonder Women and that it’s not up to us to be the savior of every situation
- you will be disliked or found to be unlovable – forgetting that most people admire the strength it takes to hold on to your boundaries and say ‘no’
- you will be left out, ostracized, rejected, or abandoned – forgetting that it’s impossible to please everyone all the time
- you might not have another chance to prove what you can do – forgetting that being exhausted doesn’t demonstrate your best self and abilities
Are your fears valid? Yes, some may be. But, that fear can also blind you from being able to know what you’re doing to yourself, the high price you’re paying for saying ‘yes’ when you wish we were saying ‘no’.
Exercising your right to say ‘no’ or know when to decline a request is an important life skill to master; it’s vital to your overall well-being. Saying ‘no’ is a form of self boundary-setting. It says that you can’t be coerced, bullied, or made to feel obligated by others.
Here are some consequences you should know of weak boundaries:
forfeiting your precious time and energy – forgetting that these are limited resources; when you use them on obligations you don’t have enough left over to use on what you know matters to you
losing self respect for yourself – forgetting that every time you cave in, you lose a little of your backbone
becoming resentful which can lead to feeling like a victim or martyr – forgetting that we don’t need to give up our joy to please others
As with most things in life, you know that the more you practice the stronger you become. Setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself by learning to say ‘no’ will take a weight off of your shoulders and it will help you feel more in control of your life.
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Good points.
Often however, people do not admire you for saying no and you will get some grief. The worry that you will be disliked is a valid worry BUT it’s worth the risk because your self-esteem is on the line; your self-respect is on the line; and your mental health is on the line.
I said no to someone who wanted to take my time slot for a presentation and I got grief from the girl who asked (who put a big pen mark across the copies of my pictures when I was teaching drawing) and the teacher also gave me the cold shoulder. I was punished for saying no. I didn’t want to change my time slot because of personal reasons. I had it all planned out and I wanted to get it over with and I didn’t want to wait another two weeks and I’d already signed up for that time slot.
Often when you set boundaries, people will call you a trouble maker. The ones who respect you are not the ones you are saying no to normally. Sometimes you will be left out and disliked. I said no to a neighbourhood barbeque twice because I had courses and the neighbour spread rumours to the other neighbours about how horrible I was; I heard it from a neighbour who thought I was someone else; she was talking to me about me!
I like the suggestion to practicing saying no in safe situations (like no to coffee).